News, and Thoughts Thereon

So any of you who are on Facebook have probably already heard that we have exciting news. We are expecting a baby sometime around April 20. I have so many thoughts on my mind about this, and I want to explain a few things I’m feeling.

To begin with, I’m just so incredibly grateful for this little miracle that’s already begun. I really understand so much better than I once did how precious and fragile this little life is and I don’t ever want to take that for granted. We heard the little heartbeat yesterday, and it was just a relief and a comfort to know that the little white blur is alive and growing. How blessed I am to have a loving husband to help me as we both discover this new role and on throughout eternity.

This is something we’ve wanted for some time, and it hasn’t been as easy for us as it appears to be for others. Though there have been some hard times, I’m especially grateful for the learning that comes through those times. I understand how hard it is to happily listen to multiple friends announce pregnancies, complain about how much they hurt or feel sick, and ultimately bring children into the world and not feel at least a twinge of bitterness or even anger at times for the perceived insensitivity to how I must be feeling. I really just wanted to be a part of that, and unless you’ve ever experienced a similar situation you will never (no NEVER) fully understand the way it feels. I can’t even explain some of the strange emotional reactions and feelings I have had, and I worry sometimes about the damage they have caused to relationships in my life. These are the things I never want to forget because I don’t want to become that insensitive person that doesn’t consider the impact of my words and actions towards others.

With all of that said, I hope that explains why I really don’t want a big deal made out of me on this. It is wonderful to hear and know that people are happy for us, but I won’t be making huge public announcements, hopefully I won’t be complaining too much about my pregnancy symptoms, and I really won’t say a whole lot about it on my blog and places like it. It’s not that I’m not super excited. It’s simply that I think a lot of my emotions and feelings are personal and don’t need to be waved around in front of people who might be experiencing some of the sorts of struggles that I went through.

I do apologize to anybody who found out via Facebook—it’s really sort of a cop out. It’s kind of awkward to find a way to bring it up to people, and when messages started to pop up I figured I might as well acknowledge it. And it’s been nice to have the word spread so easily and effortlessly. But I did want to make it clear that this is first and foremost a wonderful blessing from our Father in Heaven, and now that the word is out we really want to keep some things to ourselves and develop our personal relationships with each other as we prepare for this frightening and exciting new experience.

4 Years

We broke 4 years of marriage this week! We relived our first anniversary with a trip to Skaneateles. Fall seems to officially be here, and we are really excited for our favorite season in New York.

Grad Students

Jenny feels taller, Mark feels woozy

We decided to do a real adult thing and apply for life insurance. They sent a nurse out to our home to do some tests on us this morning. I have spent most of my adult life under the delusion that I am 5'4" tall. Today I learned that I am actually 5'5 1/2" tall. With my shoes off and everything. Wow. My identity has been shaken, but I feel tall now.

The nurse (who was kinda crazy--she asked if she could use our bathroom and warned that she might make "stinkies") also took some blood samples from us. I'm a veteran blood donator, so needles don't really phase me so much. I always try to get Mark to come with me, but he always forcefully declines. I won't be asking him again. Two vials of blood and he started getting woozy. The next thing I knew he was passed out on the kitchen table. And the crazy nurse started saying something about 'seizures'. It freaked me out, but a few seconds later and he woke up and we all had a good laugh. The best news of all? Mark learned that you can dream when you're passed out, even if it's only for 30 seconds.

Ithaca

Generally blogging is like one of my many interests--it comes and goes and there is a general lack of consistency. This time I have a valid excuse, not that I'm making any apologies. Mark and I spent our summer (and continue to work on) packing, moving, unpacking, and cleaning an entire sorority house. I'm not gonna lie to you. Life has been miserable. You know how people always ask you how you are, or how your summer was? I sort of just stare at them sizing them up to decide if they really want to hear my answer.

Anyhow, complaining doesn't accomplish anything, so moving onward.

I have sort of had Ithaca on my mind lately. A place that has come to mean so many different things to me over the course of three years. I've almost forgotten how much I hated it here when we came. What made it so awful? I remember desperately needing a job in a town with no industry but Cornell (and consequently working as a cashier at Wegmans for a year). I remember being yelled at on the phone by the telephone company when I was simply trying to set up my telephone (I hung up on someone for the first time in my life, then was terrified to call back and possibly get the same lady). I remember weeks of straight, drizzling rain. Followed by months of a greyish cocoon of sky that blocked the sun most days. My seriously crazy upstairs neighbor, Paul. The list could go on, but I'll stop.

And the interesting thing is, these are all such tiny things in my eyes now. I've been through much worse since I decided I liked this place. Heart-breaking, gut-wrenching, stomach-sickening times of stress and pain and overwhelming responsibility. And yet this place has become home to me. I'm sure there are plenty of reasons for that, and a lot of profound ideas to be drawn from it, but the thing that sticks with me the most is that it is the hard times that make us stronger as a family. I have no desire to relive some of the things of the past three years, but I do know for sure that these experiences have knit our marriage together more tightly and have given me confidence in the life ahead of us.

Once upon a time I spent my days in the JKHB at BYU. (That's Jesse Knight Humanities Building at Brigham Young University.) It was one of those gross buildings that reminds you of an old high school bathroom. But I loved it because of the colorful flyers posted throughout the halls and doorways. One day I came across a poem posted on a Philosophy professor's office, and it sort of became my mantra for life (how fitting that not long after that I began my own journey to Ithaca).

Ithaca
by: Constantine Cavafy

When you set out on your journey to Ithaca,
pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the angry Poseidon -- do not fear them:
You will never find such as these on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your spirit and your body.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the fierce Poseidon you will never encounter,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your soul does not set them up before you.

Pray that the road is long.
That the summer mornings are many, when,
with such pleasure, with such joy
you will enter ports seen for the first time;
stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and coral, amber, and ebony,
and sensual perfumes of all kinds,
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
visit many Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from scholars.

Always keep Ithaca on your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for many years;
and to anchor at the island when you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you riches.

Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would have never set out on the road.
She has nothing more to give you.

And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what these Ithacas mean.